Joy Stephanie
If you’re a woman in Kenya, chances are you’ve been asked the dreaded question: “When are you getting married?” or worse, “How many children do you have?” For many women, these are not just casual inquiries—they’re loaded with societal expectations and personal struggles that can feel overwhelming.
Recently, beloved gospel artist Kambua opened up about how hurtful such questions can be. Having faced her own fertility challenges, Kambua shared how deeply these inquiries cut, especially in a society where motherhood is often seen as the ultimate marker of womanhood. Her story has ignited conversations across Kenya about the emotional toll that these pressures place on women.
The Pressure is Real
In many Kenyan families, there’s an unspoken timeline that women are expected to follow: complete school, get a job, get married, and have children—preferably in quick succession. If you don’t follow this script, people start to talk. Whether it’s relatives at family gatherings or friends on social media, the pressure can feel unbearable.
But what if that path doesn’t unfold smoothly? What if a woman wants to focus on her career before marriage or isn’t able to conceive right away? For many women, this leads to feelings of shame, frustration, and isolation.
As Kambua explained, fertility isn’t something you can just “fix.” Yet, people ask questions as though it is. “How many children do you have?” they inquire, oblivious to the emotional scars their words might leave behind.
The Emotional Rollercoaster
Let’s be real—it’s hard. You could be perfectly happy in your life, but one comment about your lack of children or marriage status can send you spiraling. These conversations often happen without any consideration of what the woman might be going through. Maybe she’s experiencing fertility issues, maybe she’s had miscarriages, or maybe she’s simply not ready for children yet.
What many forget is that family planning is deeply personal. The decision to have kids (or not) is often influenced by a myriad of factors, including health, finances, personal goals, and even relationship dynamics. And yet, people feel entitled to weigh in on this personal choice.
Navigating the Conversations
So, how do we handle these intrusive questions? Here are a few ideas to reclaim your power in these conversations:
1. Set Boundaries
If someone asks about your family plans, it’s okay to politely tell them that it’s not something you’re comfortable discussing. A simple, “I’m focusing on other things right now” can work wonders.
2. Shift the Conversation
Sometimes, it’s easier to steer the conversation in another direction. If someone starts poking around your personal life, turn the conversation back to them. People love talking about themselves!
3. Be Honest (When You Want To)
If you feel comfortable, you can be honest about your situation. Sometimes, sharing your journey helps people understand the gravity of their questions. You might say, “We’re trying, but it’s been a difficult road,” or even just, “It’s not something I want to talk about right now.”
4. Lean on Your Support System
Whether it’s close friends or online communities, find your tribe. Talking to others who are going through the same struggles can be incredibly comforting. Sometimes, just knowing you’re not alone can help you cope better.
Changing the Narrative
The truth is, society’s expectations about family need to evolve. Women are more than their marital or motherhood status. We need to create a culture where women can thrive in whatever choices they make, whether that’s starting a family at 25 or focusing on their careers until they’re 40—or choosing not to have children at all.
Kambua’s openness has inspired many to start speaking up. By normalizing these conversations and rejecting harmful pressures, we can create a more supportive environment for all women. Let’s learn to ask better questions, celebrate women for who they are, and stop defining their worth by their fertility or relationship status.
So, the next time you’re tempted to ask someone, “When are you having kids?”, remember that you may not know their story. Instead, ask them about their passions, their dreams, and what makes them excited for the future—because that’s what truly matters.
