Joy Stephanie
Starting a new relationship or friendship is exciting, but sometimes, that excitement can make it hard to notice warning signs. Some things we spot early on are small issues that might get better with time and effort—these are often called “red flags.” But other times, we notice behaviors that go against what we value or can’t see ourselves tolerating long-term; these are “dealbreakers.” Knowing the difference between these two can help you make better choices and avoid unhealthy relationships. Let’s dive in!
What Are Red Flags?
Red flags are signs that something could become a problem down the road. They aren’t always immediate dealbreakers but are signals to pay attention to. Maybe it’s how they speak to others, handle stress, or the way they react to conflict. Red flags are a hint that if left unchecked, things could get rocky.
Examples of Red Flags:
Poor Communication: They avoid sharing their thoughts or get defensive quickly, making it hard to talk things out.
Too Much Criticism: If they constantly point out flaws in others or complain, it could mean they’re quick to judge or don’t handle conflict well.
Inconsistency: They’re hot and cold—super attentive one day, distant the next. This may point to a lack of commitment or stability.
Jealousy or Possessiveness: If they’re overly jealous or start making comments about who you spend time with, it could turn controlling.
Lying About Small Things: Small lies might not seem like a big deal at first, but dishonesty can grow into bigger issues.
How to Handle Red Flags:
When you see a red flag, try talking about it openly. For example, if they’re hard to talk to, you could say, “I feel like we struggle to communicate sometimes. Can we work on being more open with each other?” If they respond positively, it’s a good sign they’re willing to grow. If they shut down or blame you, that could be a warning that things might not improve.
What Are Dealbreakers?
Dealbreakers are behaviors or values that don’t align with what you want or can’t accept. These are usually non-negotiable and don’t change with time. Dealbreakers hit right at your core values, like how you believe people should treat each other or what your life goals are.
Examples of Dealbreakers:
Any Form of Abuse: Physical, emotional, or verbal abuse is always a dealbreaker. No one deserves to be treated badly, ever.
Dishonesty About Major Things: If they lie about who they are, what they want, or their past, it’s hard to trust them.
Disrespecting Your Boundaries: If they ignore what you’ve clearly said is important to you, it shows a lack of respect.
Addictions They Refuse to Work On: Substance abuse, gambling, or other addictions that they’re not interested in managing can deeply impact your relationship and well-being.
Big Life Goals That Don’t Match: If you dream of a family, and they don’t, or you want to live abroad while they don’t want to leave their hometown, these are big lifestyle differences that could lead to unhappiness.
How to Handle Dealbreakers:
Dealbreakers need firm boundaries. If a major issue surfaces, it’s usually better to address it right away. For instance, if they cross a boundary you’ve set or lie about something important, be clear and honest about how it affects you. Often, it’s best to end things if a dealbreaker appears, as these issues rarely get resolved.
Telling Red Flags from Dealbreakers
It’s not always easy to tell what’s a red flag and what’s a dealbreaker, especially when you’re getting to know someone. Here are some tips to help you:
1. Ask Yourself: Can I Live with This? If it’s something you think you could manage, it might just be a red flag. If you can’t see yourself accepting this in the long run, it’s probably a dealbreaker.
2. Consider If It’s Fixable: Red flags might improve with effort and communication, but dealbreakers are often rooted in deeper values or personal issues that don’t change.
3. Does It Go Against My Values? Red flags might be frustrating, but dealbreakers often go against something you deeply believe in. If their behavior or goals don’t align with yours, it’s likely a dealbreaker.
Trusting Your Instincts
Sometimes, even if you can’t put your finger on it, something just feels off. Trust your gut! If your instincts tell you that something isn’t right, don’t ignore that feeling. Over time, we learn to understand what we need to feel safe and happy in relationships. Both red flags and dealbreakers play a role in helping us build the relationships that are right for us.
Remember, relationships should add value to your life, not take away from it. By understanding and acting on red flags and dealbreakers, you’re taking steps to protect your peace and make room for healthy, fulfilling connections.
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